So what's going on in the life of Hetty the chemist, well. Where to begin. I got diagnosed with depression again and self harmed again. I usually type personal things like this on my tumblr but I wanted to type it on here because her I upload my art, my writing and that is what I do to vent all my personal feelings. I'm on a course of anti-depressants and to be honest they didn't help, they made the anxiety, over thinking and nothingness worse. I've had some really dark days where everything seemed so hopeless, that i'd go for a shower and stick razors over my arm and my thighs. For some reason it helped and I don't know why, I get so scared sometimes that I'm not going to get better. Telling my flatmate who is my best friend probably the most amazing friend I've ever had in my life was the hardest thing, she knows i'm clinically depressed and self harming, she saw more scars on my arms two days ago they weren't fresh at the time they were like 2 days old. We talked in my room the other night and I was trying so hard not to just breakdown in tears explaining my severe emptiness. And the look in her eyes when I told her, she didn't say anything but look with such a look of helplessness. And eventually managed to say "God Don't cry" I haven't had the guts to tell her that the other night I wanted to die, I wanted to go to sleep and not wake up. And if she ever reads this I apologies now.
I just can't seem to find the words to explain how I feel when I'm feeling low, it's a bleak blackness that I get sucked into and I cannot escape. It's as unpredictable as my moods but I had to admit that cutting myself seems to help me, I feel better after I do it. Explaining that to my family, my flatmate is just so upsetting. I show my scars and they just have to turn away or they'll cry. I feel so selfish sometimes when others see my scars and say that we need to talk then they ask why I did it and they just don't understand. Literally all I want now is for this to go away, I am getting my medication changed and am getting an immediate referral for therapy.
Hetty The Chemist